Memories Of Endless Love
by SmilingChipmunk
Summary: In those quiet ruins of Mater, listening to Yu's hearbeat, Alma recalls how it became like this, from that innocent, dreaming little girl to an exorcist, from death to rebirth, through the pain, hardships and most of all, horrible betrayal. All to this one point, this amazingly tortured but somehow peaceful resting place. AlmaXKanda, one-shot.


Disclaimer: I do not own D Gray-Man.

AN: Even though I have another fanfic on these two-ish, this popped up, and the story just ended up here, because I really do adore AlmaXKanda, and their story is unbelievably sad to me. Everything except her name is made up for her story (incidentally, my friend found out that the name 'Alma' is a female russian name, so it's a possibility she was russian)

The story cover is most definitely not mine, it is from zerochan uploaded/by user Nekacz, this is the link: http*:*/*/*. zerochan .net*/*337216, without the spaces and stars.

The style is different from how I usually write, so I hope it's not too confusing. I really hope you enjoy and like this story :) I was stuck between two song lyrics, neither of them in english, but I chose this one, the song is actually from 'Nana' and in japanese, this is the translation. The other was 'Qian Nian Zhi Lian'(Thousand Years Of Love), by F.I.R, also a ridiculously nice song with moving lyrics. I would recommend checking it out :)

* * *

**_Olivia Lufkin-A Little Pain_**

_Travel to the moon_  
_You're asleep, as you work out your dreams_  
_There's no one here_  
_While the light of the stars toys with me_

_In order to become strong_  
_I have to remember how to smile_  
_If we're together, I can do it_

_Realize that I'm here waiting for you_  
_Even if the future is different from now_  
_I'm here waiting for you_  
_I keep on shouting_  
_I'm sure all I have to do is pull in the thread that connects our hearts_  
_So the person I was back then would open her eyes_  
_No need to cry_

_Travel in silence_  
_I can reach you if I stretch out my hands_  
_The only memory I have of you is so far away_

_I can hear your voice if I close my eyes_  
_Even a little pain would be nice_

_Look at me_  
_I'm here waiting for you_  
_Even if you get lost, blown away by the wind_  
_I'm here waiting for you_  
_I look up at the sky_  
_I was protecting my heart with outstretched hands_  
_Until the person you were back then  
Looked back_

* * *

Some people don't believe in it. After all, it could just be the fleeting fancy of a dreamer, something unrealistic and unattainable, like all the distant hopes of humans. Fate… was it real or not? Or is it all just coincidence, two people that were meant for each other, that just happen to meet, against all odds? It was a question that danced at the very back of his, her, mind as Alma crumbled in Yu's arms. This had been such a long, exhausting, journey, it was almost a little hard to think back to when it all began.

* * *

Alma had always been told she was a dreamer. Her older brother was much more serious, and always had realistic ideals. She, on the other hand, liked listening to fairy tales, and prompted her kind mother to read them to her as she fell asleep. Her mother never told the conventional stories though. She loved flowers, and she wove stories into the hundreds of different types. Maybe that's when Alma's love of flowers began too, and she began to make up her own stories.

* * *

"Mother, what are those?" Young Alma asked, eyes shining brightly as she squinted at the light glinting off the surface of the water. She held her mother's hand, pulling her towards the water, just to see those peculiar flowers resting on top of the water a little closer.

"Those?" Her mother ducked down with a smile. "Those are lotus flowers. Do you like them?"

"Lotus flowers…" Alma said softly, and felt a smile grow on her face.

"They're strong little things. Just to get where they are now, they have to push up through the mud, through the water, to finally reach the sun and see the sky."

"Because the sky is a beautiful place, and the sun is so bright!" Alma cried happily, crouching forward so much she almost toppled into the water. Her nose twitched as their elegant scent floated over, and her smile widened even further. "You worked hard to get here, didn't you?" She cooed to the flowers, reaching out and letting her fingertips waver over the top of the leaves.

"Now, Alma, be careful, or you'll fall in and become one of them!" her mother teased kindly. Her hair whirled around her as she turned, face now one of joy.

"I think it would be nice to be a lotus flower!"

"Really? Why do you say that, dear?" her mother was still smiling, amusement decorating her delicate features. Alma teetered up from the edge, light dress whirling around her as she spun around with her arms spread out.

"Because they make the world such a fragrant place!"

* * *

From that day on, lotus flowers were her absolute favourite. It made her unbearably sad to see their petals fall, but perhaps that was what made their blooming again so special. She would really love to see many of them, all of them in graceful and beautiful bloom. But she never got the chance.

"Brother, please come watch the lotus flowers with me!"She used to beg, to anyone who would listen, really.

"I'm too busy. You shouldn't be playing around anymore either, life isn't all about going to see flowers." He would reply stonily.

"Mother?" she would then ask.

"Oh, not now, I have too much work to do. Later, dear." But upon seeing her dejected look, her mother had stroked her face and smiled. "How about you save and share this experience for someone really special? If you wait, you'll find someone that'll come watch the flowers with you, whenever you ask. Until then, be patient and eagerly await them, okay?"

So she waited and she grew up, but she never stopped dreaming. Not when she was taken away from her family, and forced into the Black Order to fight. Maybe the dreams no longer held the childish, fantasy like tinge to them, rather, she dreamt of finding someone to share the magic she saw.

And she did.

They were in no way a perfect match. Some would even say their personalities clashed a little. She was patient, sunny and caring to those around her. He was unsocial, impatient, and short tempered to the point of violence. Originally, she thought he was all bark and no bite. It soon became clear that he was all bark _and_ all bite, but for some reason inexplicable to others, she found that quality to be adorable. For his every growl and impatient snap, she would laugh and smile, until she found that his growls began to be replaced by reluctant smirks and occasional laughter. And he stopped calling her a 'happy idiot'. Well, at least without the ferocious undertone. They didn't need to be a perfect match. They loved each other, and everything about each other, even their respective misgivings and faults. In that sense, perhaps they could be called a perfect match.

* * *

"Hey, do you know what this flower is?" she asked fondly, both in regards to him and the flower.

"No. What is it?" was his simple reply.

"It reaches for the sky…a lotus flower!" She had smiled and spoken with enough delight and happiness that he stopped what he was doing to listen to her wholeheartedly, with a half smile on his face. Her hand lightly rested on his as she spoke, his palm naturally flipping up so their fingers intertwined gently.

"You're so animated when you talk about them." He chuckled inaudibly through an amused smirk.

"Is that not good?" she had replied, a little indignant.

"No, I like it. These 'lotus flowers'…they're your favourite, aren't they?" of course, he had picked up on it without her telling him.

"Yes! It grows from the mud towards the sky…" At this, she unknowingly raised their hands upwards, gesturing at the breathtaking blue expanse. "And makes the world a fragrant place." She pulled him up and spun with the same vigor she had as a child, making both their arms become entangled and cross in front of her as she fell back into his chest. She felt him rest his chin on her head and tighten his arms.

"In a world like this…the one we live in…" He sighed, and she knew what he was talking about, their uncertain life, the constant danger, the war against the never ending grief. "We need a little fragrance."

"I never really got the chance to see them in full bloom…I wish I could see it, the ground carpeted with flowers. Maybe we can see it together someday?" she tilted her head back, in time to catch his surprised expression. She had waited her entire life for him, but them actually going together, to watch the lotus flowers, was maybe little more than a fleeting wish. But she would keep dreaming.

He released his hold on her, and she walked ahead lightly.

"Yeah. We will, definitely." His words instantaneously filled her with such joy that she had burst into a smile, a light blush of happiness on her cheeks.

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Even when we're both old and grey?" she laughed.

"Whenever, forever." He promised, the corners of his lips upturned in a tiny smile.

"Then before the petals fall, I'll be waiting." She smiled back and looked up at the bright sun, shielding her eyes a little. "Forever."

* * *

They were happy, the time they were together, through the pain, the tears and blood, because they no longer belonged to the Black Order, but to each other.

* * *

She was the first to die. After all, in the end they were still both exorcists. They weren't together when it happened, which she had been saddened by and thankful for. She wanted to see him one last time, but she wouldn't be able to stand to see the look on his face when she died. At least this way, until the moment he died, he still had hope, he still believed they could, together….

It was something akin to a tragedy, they were cut off before they could reach the surface and enjoy the sun together, to bask in the light and enjoy the vast blue sky.

Though, in a way, death was a release for both of them. They no longer had to suffer the cruelties and pain their everyday brought.

How naïve it was, to think that in this war the Black Order would just let the dead rest in peace.

* * *

So she became a he, reborn and all bittersweet memories of the past gone, discarded and kept hidden like a dirty, shameful secret.

* * *

He had been the first to wake from his sleep, from the dark, quiet calm water into a harsh world where he was owned by the Black Order.

_You are Alma Karma, born for the purpose of defeating akuma, for the holy war. Welcome to the Black Order, the Asian Sixth Laboratory. _

All those holes, an apostle in each, curled up like they were still in their mother's womb, still innocent and unknowing about the horror that occurred outside their haven. More than once, Alma wondered whether it would've been better just to stay asleep, safe and unaware.

He was never really 'alone', there were the scientists, all those people who worked in that place, and that one nice ghost lady called For who comforted him once.

But he was. None of them _really_ understood. In actual fact, he was unbelievably alone. All by himself, in that quiet chamber of slumber. Why didn't they wake up? When would they wake up?

Even though he felt so lonely, so sad, he always had hope, because…well, maybe it was because he was a bit of a dreamer. Each and every one of those sleeping bodies, he hoped all of them would just open their eyes and be his friends. As it was, he would talk to them, tell them about his day, and occasionally read them stories, so, you know, they wouldn't be bored. He was sure someone would eventually wake up, and he eagerly awaited that day with a smile and plenty of enthusiasm. As painful as each day was, there were plenty of things to be happy for as well, and Alma always found a reason to smile, after all, he was an optimist! As long as you stayed positive, you could overcome anything. As long as you kept smiling, things would work out.

* * *

Then, one day, when he was reading…movement. A slight ripple on the surface of the water in one of the holes, maybe a bubble breaking the surface.

It could have been any other two people who had woken up, in that lonely chamber. Against all odds, it was _them_ two that woke up, to meet once again. It was _them_ two, once again owned by the Black Order.

Alma had paused, leaning over into the pool eagerly, almost not daring to hope. He could see his own face in the water, with the little line across his nose, his short brown hair, his sleeves and black shorts, the mark around his neck.

"Hey, are you awake? Maybe you're awake?" He said to the pool, wondering what his voice sounded like through the water, to the ears of the child in the water. "Raise your hand if you're awake."

A pause. A beat. And then, a hand raised underwater, fingertips grazing the undersurface to send ripples across the top. Alma was ecstatic in that moment, a giant grin on his face and tears of absolute delight in his eyes.

"YAY!" He cried as he dove forward to the edge, almost sending himself hurtling into the circular pool. "YAY, YAY, YAY! I'm so glad! 'Cos I thought I was all alone! You know what?"

He had memorized all their names, he knew them better than anyone, and this one…this one was called-

"Yu! Your name is Yu!" He said gleefully. Yu's hand wavered a bit, and then it slowly broke the surface of the water. The fingers curled, so that the hand dripping with water now pointed at him questioningly. "Eh? Me? It's kinda embarrassing…" He pointed at himself, blushing lightly as he laughed cheekily.

"Well, they call me Alma!" He said happily. "Happy birthday, Yu!"

He called all the doctors, the scientists, immediately, with an impatient eagerness. They ran over as he helped Yu out of the water, naked and dripping, long black hair trailing all the way down his back and into the water even as he knelt on the edge.

"We need something to dry him! Anything will do!" Alma had called to Dr. Edgar.

"Alma, you're still dressed like that! It's cold here, put on a coat. I'm always telling you this!" Dr. Edgar started shrugging off his jacket, but Alma was giddy, and he wasn't cold at all.

"_**Come on, **_Dr. Edgar! Hurry up! Hurry up!"

"Yes, yes."

Yu was very pretty, but it didn't matter to Alma. Finally, he wasn't going to be alone anymore! He had a friend!

Well, that's what he originally thought.

In reality…

"_**HEY!**_** Stop right now, both of you!" **

There was a loud bang as Alma hit the wall, denting it with the force of the throw. Yu stepped onto the splintering table, sticking his tongue out at Alma.

They had frequent fights, mostly instated by Yu, and they weren't on a small scale either. Everyone and everything around them was damaged, and it all took a long time to fix. But not the two of them. Both of them would be healed within minutes of receiving the injuries.

Yu hadn't turned out to be as cheerful as Alma, and though he tried and he tried and he tried, for a long time, Alma couldn't get Yu to like him. To the nasty tempered boy, Alma was just a-as Yu put it-'stalker'. Yu made Alma cry more than once, in fact, it seemed like every time Alma cried, it was because of Yu. He was just so mean. Everyone knew he just wanted to get along with Yu. They (the people of the Asian Branch) even gave him a book: 'With this book, you'll be able to learn the secret to making 100 friends!'

He read it cover to cover, but all it did was serve as another weapon for Yu as he tried to bash Alma senseless.

But that's okay. Alma would keep trying. Alma did keep trying. As his heart stopped again and again, as his internal organs ruptured, even as his flesh tore and his bones snapped, blood spewing forth from the wounds, Alma would fill his head with thoughts with how nice it would be if he could just talk with Yu. They could talk about their sleeping 'brothers' and 'sisters', their favourite foods, what life was like outside these walls, what it would be like without the painful synchro testing every da-

"**Approximately 470 seconds until the rebirth of Alma."**

* * *

That day, Alma was just snacking and reading in the chamber, body aching immensely from another day of testing. There was the usual mixture of fog and steam, until a shadow came running out. Headed straight for a pool.

If only Alma had known what-no, who, Yu was running to then.

"Yu, watch out!" He had yelled, but it was too late. "Yikes…" Alma covered his face with his hand as Yu splashed straight into the pool. He ran over to help pull him out of the water, and was immediately accused of following him again.

"N-no! I wasn't! I was just eating a snack and reading a book!"

"What is this, your room!" Yu spluttered, coughing water out onto the floor. "Ah! Where's that woman?"

At the time, Alma had thought he meant For. After all, who else was there? Though, his thought process was momentarily distracted by the fact his arm fell off because of the sudden force placed upon it. They were both covered in bandages, but Yu still tried to act tough. Really, the amount of swear words that poured from his mouth when _his_ arm detached!

But Alma was happy that day, because Yu talked to him of his own accord, without any mean things attached to it. Of course, Alma was kicked very gruffly when he teased Yu for crying.

"Don't get so friendly! You make me sick, always smiling like an idiot!"

And of course, Alma had kicked him back.

"You're one to talk! Always scowling like a pessimist!"

"What'd you say?"

"And here I was, thinking I'd made a friend! Too bad you're such a killjoy!"

"Try saying that again!"

"Heh, I'll say it a million times if I have to!"

Off went their jumpers, so they could fight, of course.

"Pessimist!" Alma yelled.

"You little-"Yu didn't get to finish his insult as their fists collided, and blood spurted from reopened wounds. Ow.

"T-Time out…"

"I agree…"

As they lay in that large (growing) pool of blood, they couldn't help but think of how ridiculous it was. Both of them, wrapped in bandages, with blood leaking from just about every pore in their body…

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Neither of them could stop the laughter that burst from their aching lungs and diaphragm.

"Quit laughing, Alma. Creep." Yu had snorted, even though laughter was trickling out of his mouth too.

"Shut up, pessimist. I can't help it, we're bleeding like crazy…!"

They finally became friends, but it was just 193 days later that Alma was killed by Yu.

* * *

Alma knew Yu was having dreams, and sometimes when his thrashing got really bad, he would shoot awake. Sometimes, if it was just light twisting and turning, Alma would suppress Yu with a warm hug, and it would work. Given Yu didn't wake up and struggle like a fish out of water.

"Wow! It's freezing!" Every morning, they would visit the chamber.

"I-I-It's winter!" Alma had said through chattering teeth.

"Eh? Who's that?"Neither of them had been taught much about the world, well, the world outside their limited one.

"There's a guy called 'winter' in the outside world, and he's the one that freezes everything."

"W-W-What an asshole!"

"I'm not gonna lose to him! Good morning, everyone!" Alma had dashed off energetically, but that asshole 'winter' had made the ground icy too, and Alma slipped backwards into a heap. Yu had laughed at him until his stomach ached. Yu never went with him to greet the sleeping apostles, but that didn't dim Alma's enthusiasm as he spoke about all those amazing things he had found out about recently, like mayonnaise-

"**What do you want with me?" **Yu's voice had interrupted him, and when Alma looked over, Yu had collapsed against the pillar, clutching at his head.

He called for help, and they took him away, behind locked doors. That didn't stop Alma from using a stethoscope (a present from Dr. Edgar when Alma told him he wanted to hear his own heartbeat) to hear through the door, and maybe silencing a few of the people guarding the door. After all, that was his friend they were talking about in there!

"We have only one choice. We must freeze and dispose of test subject 'Yu'."

That was all Alma had to hear.

They could use the irrigation canal to escape. So he had knocked the people in lab coats out, grabbed Yu and run. As he ran, he apologised to those he couldn't take with him, but Yu was his only friend….!

* * *

Well, he wasn't that surprised they got caught. But Alma couldn't let them take Yu, so-

"Run!" He said through a smile as he kicked Yu off the ledge, into the water.

* * *

While he was shackled up, he heard them talking. Test subject Yu had been captured again. Alma had to get out of there and find Yu, he _had_ to save him. The shackles were strong, so Alma ended up tearing apart his limbs to escape. He would heal, but Yu….Yu was in trouble!

He was sorry to Dr. Edgar. He was nice to them and Alma knew he just wanted to help, and do what was best for them…and the war raging on. There were nice people there, and Alma always tried not to hate the Black Order too much. It was for a greater cause, and he would fight for them…as long as he could do it beside Yu.

* * *

It was in the innocence shrine that he saw their real bodies, and his memories were unlocked. It was right after he finally synchronized with his innocence too. Tears ran down his cheeks as he realised just what the Black Order had done. Hatred and a sense of betrayal had washed over him, and all he wanted to do was destroy. Kill everything, kill everyone. Obliterate this cruel world, rip out it's innards and bare it's ugly truth for what it really was. He was strong, they had created him so. He could easily do it. The only one person who could stop him might've been Yu.

Yu…

They could die together, this time. Leave this detestable world behind, and just end in a splatter of blood and tears, a quiet finality of blackness and conclusion.

All of them should just die, die and wither in the mud, along with their dirty souls and fake words. What were they to the Order? Weapons to be used, human lives to be toyed with…so that's how Alma would treat them.

And Alma couldn't stop crying, as he tore the sleeping apostles to pieces (it's not like they would want to wake up in a world like this. He would save them from the suffering) and all those sixth laboratory members came running out, with their frantic words of falsities…not half as real as the warm blood that splattered against his skin. What a joke, they thought they could stop him? Even _he_ couldn't stop himself. Even _he _tried to destroy himself.

But it didn't work.** It just wouldn't work. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES, HIS BODY JUST KEPT HEALING, AND HE COULDN'T STOP. **

Dr. Edgar might've been the hardest for him to kill, so Alma left him to the last. Yu walked in on him just as Alma pierced his torso. He was carrying some guy on his back. It hadn't really mattered. The look of shock on Yu's face was to be expected, but Alma did feel a twinge of sadness at seeing that expression on his friend's-_lover's_- face.

"You don't mean…your old memories…!" Yu had realised, as Alma stood over him with tears streaming down his cheeks. If he realised, that meant Yu understood, right?

Though, seeing him, Alma was jolted a little. There was blood everywhere, on his hands, his weapons…everyone was dead, no, everyone was dead because of _him_.

"It's nonsense, isn't it? It's almost as…if I'm an akuma." Stabbing himself had hurt, but it was a dull, lifeless pain. Yu had been worried, even running over…

And Alma hugged him close, close enough he could feel the other's heart beat thumping frantically, and coming to a stop as he stabbed the blades protruding from his arm through them both. He had felt Yu gasp and warm blood run down his back, and his front, he didn't know who's blood was who's anymore, it all mingled into one.

"Yu, you understand me right? Let's die together. As long as we're alive, the humans won't admit they're wrong. In order to win this holy battle, they'll continue to use us as tools. We have nothing worth protecting anymore." Alma stood over his dim eyed friend lying on the ground, watching tears trail lifeless down Yu's cheeks through his own blurry vision, fogged up by blood and anguish.

Why did Yu's eyes suddenly flash, at that last moment when Alma had thought they had both achieved death? Why did his arm-the one Alma hadn't cut off-stretch upwards, as if he was reaching for something? What did he see, that was so potent that he stood up-wounds and all-and had enough strength to slash Alma right across the chest?

Yu had been crying…his friend, Yu, apologising…

"I'm sorry, Alma…I want to live, even if it means destroying you!"

_What did you see, Yu? What did you see that made you betray me?_

* * *

It wasn't until much later that Alma finally found the answer to that question. Nine years of deep, deep sleep later. Again, the Black Order had robbed Alma of death, instead using him as a womb for the third generation exorcists, more tools for the Order. Most of the time, it was just black space. Empty and darkness-filled time flew by unnoticed, no thought, no movement, no_ anything_ accessible to Alma.

It was weird, the first thing he actively experienced and was aware of after those nine quiet years was a replay of his childhood with Yu in his head. But it wasn't just his memories. Mixed in, somehow, he saw Yu's memories in there as well.

He could see, Yu really was so mean, he didn't even hold back when he hit Alma. They were already so broken, and Yu, well, Yu didn't care. Yu would bite, tear, punch, kick, even if they were both exhausted from testing. But that tenacity, that violence, it wouldn't be Yu if he wasn't like that. Through the memories, Alma was dimly aware of himself thinking.

_I just wanted to be friends. You didn't have to cry alone, Yu. That's why I was so happy when you woke up! I wouldn't be alone. We could laugh together, cry together, dream together. _

There he was, Yu. Crying by himself in the chamber, wishing he could just return back to that pool and sleep quietly.

_Yu was seeing hallucinations, huh? Yu had seen 'me' before I had even found out. _I_ was 'that woman'. _

_Haha, silly Yu. Watch where you're running, there's a pool there! _

And he laughed alongside the memories, he remembered lying in that pool of blood. It was just as ridiculous the second time around.

He was happy, despite himself, when he realised that Yu, what his real thoughts were -_This world is dark, and it's so hard to breathe… but in this instant, when I laughed along with you, I felt that breathing just got a little more easier, Alma-_it was almost hard to believe that Yu really was thinking that, at that time.

_Did you really feel that way, Yu? Because you had always been, and always will be my-_ Flowers? Suddenly, lotus flowers, everywhere. In that moment, when Yu had been stretching his hand up, when his eyes had flashed, he had seen….lotus flowers? And right there, that person, it was-

_Her. 'That woman'._

…_.Me. _

Is that what Yu had seen? Yu had found the strength to cut Alma down, through that haze, because he wanted to find and keep his promise to 'her'?

In his head, Alma cried, the tears just as real, and made his decision. He wouldn't, he _couldn't_, let Yu find out about this. This secret would die with the two of them, he would make sure of it. If Yu knew, if he found out…he would stop searching, he would be…

No. That couldn't happen. With that drive, Alma would force open his eyes, feel the dark matter twisting inside him-it didn't matter, he just needed to wake up-so he could see Yu, and they could perish together, burying every dark secret they held into oblivion.

* * *

His rebirth this time was much louder, and much brighter. To be honest, Alma kind of preferred the quiet awakening in the chamber to this loud explosion, lacking in subtlety and the dark he so desired. He didn't spare much of a look to himself when he opened his eyes, but out of the corners of his eyes he could see black marks decorating his body, patterns of lines and shapes. His hair felt long, but what was most odd was perhaps the sensation of a tail, but he only spared a few seconds on experimentally whipping it around.

He wasn't 'like' an akuma anymore. He _was_ one.

All for the sake of death with his beloved. Why did there have to be so much pain, just for this one little request?

There had been so much dust everywhere, smoking debris and a shocking sense of emptiness.

"Yu, are you in there?" Alma murmured, standing up tentatively as if he were really a newborn. The first step he had taken, he had crunched the remains of someone underfoot. A crunch to the side had notified him someone was there, and he had to suppress all those emotions when he saw Yu standing there, so much that for a while, he could only stare. Yu looked to be healing quickly from an injury that had marred half of his face. Was it Alma that did that? Yu looked so calm-no, that wasn't the right word, indifferent?

Yu had been just as, if not more pretty than Alma had last seen him, even disheveled and blood stained. It wasn't like he hadn't seen him like that before. His long black hair was tied up now, it had really grown in the time they hadn't met. All those things he wanted to say, now…there was just a dull strength, an anger, driving him, fueling him. Returning to his former looks, it was so simple, he knew he was maxing out his regenerative powers, which were being boosted by the dark matter, and he knew he wasn't going to last long.

"I had a dream." Alma had told Yu. "The reason why Yu betrayed me, it's clear now. I resented Yu for betraying me, and only me. Because Yu was alive, humans didn't mend their ways. Because of Yu, I've become an akuma!"

"That's why I'll destroy you." Yu replied stonily, withdrawing his sword. It was so much more refined, Yu had become so strong in these past years.

"You've become so cool, Yu. How was life? How did it feel to be the only one that survived?" Alma had goaded, making Yu very aggressive. "Do you have…friends?"

_We'll go out with a bang. _

He didn't care so much about what else was happening, though it did sound as if it involved him.

_Erase the dark matter?_

"That doesn't matter. Even if I return to my original body, it's not as if my deep grudges will disappear. All I want if for Yu to die!"

There was always so much destruction. The smell of blood, tears, burning, why did it seem to accompany him everywhere he went? Even more so, once he was an akuma.

"Haha, akuma evolve from the frustration felt within their souls, huh? It's so much better than dealing with innocence. The more I hate, the more powerful I become!" Alma laughed, disregarding the quickly closing wounds in his body.

"Kill…" Yu growled, his hair growing lighter in his excessive use of his powers, he had just been whirled into a mindless rage and blind murderous intent. It had all been very confusing, Alma was watching Yu pounce, and then suddenly a white haired boy was in front of him, protecting him from Yu.

"Wh-what's with you?" He had cried, trying to push him away. Who was that young boy, trying to stop the bloodshed? Was he…Yu's friend? He was there when Alma woke up, maybe…maybe he saw it too? The memories of Yu and him. Even so, why had he so desperately tried to stop them?

Alma could feel it, that boy, inside him, the Noah, of all things. Why was this puppet of Noah so…_good_?

"Why?" The white haired boy had asked, tired and voice sounding hoarse from trying to yell over the sounds of devastation, or possibly just from emotion. His hand had tightened around Alma's, forcing him to stop. "You should have seen, just like the Noah showed me, the reason Kanda chose to live nine years ago…You still won't forgive him?"

_You don't understand, poor little boy, vessel for the Noah…_

It was easy, while he was distracted, Alma used his newly acquired tail to capture the white haired boy with markings on his arm, almost like him.

"What are you, Yu's friend? Still won't forgive him? Of course I won't! As long as Yu's still alive, I-"Alma didn't try hold back the tears, but as he had predicted, his powers were running out. His chest was burning, the mark on his chest, and he was losing his strength…

"Shut up, Earl! As long…as I can kill Yu…" It was all he wanted, he just needed to last that long. At least Yu didn't need much prompting, his relentless attacking…but the white haired boy, he kept protecting him.

* * *

"Kanda? What are you doing?"

"Destroying it. Hand it over." Yu had demanded monotonously, holding out his hand. Still so strong, when Alma had been so weak he had to be held by that unbelievably unselfish boy. Their voices had been so distant, yet so clear. With his eyes closed, their voices had echoed even louder.

"I can't believe you! I kept trying to figure out what you were thinking all this time…but you aren't thinking about anything, are you? Even with Alma in front of you like this, you've closed the lid on your brain because it hurts too much to think! Without even coming face to face with Alma, even forgetting hatred towards the Order, he's an important person who wanted to live together with you, isn't he? Why are you running away, Kanda?"

He felt himself being set down, and tried to move his body, but to no avail.

"What's your problem? The one who made Alma an akuma was you, wasn't it?" Even through his lids, blinding light pierced through, just like Yu's voice. "The one who destroyed this branch and made the third exorcists into monsters, it's all your fault. The fault of the man who belongs to the Order even though he's a goddamn Noah!"

_Don't blame someone so innocent in his thoughts, Yu…but I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't let anyone stop them…_

"We're out of time…"He slumped forward, mustering up the last of his energy.

_As long as Yu's alive, I…someday, I'll…_

How much more energy did he have left? He had used up quite a lot with his last burst of dark matter, it was…it was his fault that Yu had stabbed the strong white haired boy. It was all a part of the Earl's ploy, anyway. Eventually, that boy would awaken as a Noah, what was the point in prolonging his losing fight? At that time, that question had been buried by all his emotions, drowned by his own tears and breath panting out from between gritted teeth. With his hand raised, he had prepared to finally kill Yu, some form of a smile making its way onto his face.

"This is the end, Yu."The dark matter had built up in his hands. _Please_, "Die!"

But again, again, that white haired boy had stopped their destruction. That boy, awakening as a Noah, Alma had no more strength to stop himself from being thrown back from the blast.

"Bean sprout!"

_Bean sprout? That's almost as bad as 'stalker'. _Yu was still mean, it seemed. So, that mean boy had grown into a mean man, yet Alma had found that same mean man catching and holding him as he fell, calling his name with some tone in his voice similar to wonder.

_Are you waking up, selfish Noah? You who inhabits that boy, that boy who thinks only of others?_

Alma had felt it, he was still an akuma, but was surprisingly _unsurprised _at the boy's willpower, how he suppressed the Noah residing inside him.

But Alma had realised almost a little too late, that it was the eye of the boy that had jolted him, and that same eye was scrutinizing him, scrutinizing his very_ soul_-

_**NO!**_

"_Stop it, don't look!" _She sobbed and begged through tears, choking on her words. _"Don't look at me!" _

No, no, no, now the boy knew, he was going to-

"Alma…" His eyes were wide with surprise and horrible realisation. "You're-"

"**DON'T SAY IT!" **Alma had shouted immediately, he was out of time, there was only one thing left he could do, and that was to self destruct and take Yu down with him, like he intended from the start.

_Nine years ago, you destroyed me and lived on, Yu, but that was to keep your promise with me, huh? I'm sorry…As long as you'll live, you'll surely search for me. One day you might realise that Alma is me, and that's the one thing I can't endure…!_

And Alma had grabbed Yu's outstretched hand-_you'll never know it, I'll make sure of it Yu, but this was what, who you were reaching for all those years ago _- and pulled them together, in a big cataclysmic explosion, and for such a vicious act, he could feel a smile on his face.

He thought it had been over, but somehow, he was still reconstructing, somehow, he was still in this world. That boy's voice, Alma had been a little reluctant to call him 'bean sprout' even in his head, was loud, shouting for the sake of them, for 'Kanda'.

"I can't tell him…" Alma had whispered hoarsely to him, through the dust. "If Yu found out that I was 'that person', then he would stop searching. The promise we made that day…as long as he was bound by the promise he made with that person, he is forever hers. Foreeeever…" he said through a smile and cracking lips, the rigid structure that was him fracturing slowly.

_Oh? Are you crying? _

What a kind hearted boy, to cry tears for someone as monstrous as him…Yu had made such good friends while Alma was gone.

_I'm sorry, Yu…_

"Yu's body, where is it? Where?" Alma had lost his grip on Yu when his body shattered in the explosion, and he could only search blindly, crawling forward on limbs that barely obeyed him, and a non-existent lower body. "I want to be beside him…"

Grief shook his body, but there was no time, no time to wipe away the tears, he had to be beside Yu.

"**He's the one person I didn't want to lose!" **

And like an answered prayer, gentle hands had come to hold him, and picked him up.

"Kanda is this way," The boy said gently through his own tears, voice trembling and teeth clenched to stop the heaving sobs.

"You're so nice…" Alma had whispered, smiling, but what bubbled forth wasn't gratitude, but dark matter, filling his body and splintering the final shell he had. "This is fine…thank you…"

Alma was headed for a dark place, all alone, maybe that was what he deserved-

"Alma!"

_Yu…Yu's voice? Yu's voice…from heaven…_

Alma had reached out hopefully, and someone had caught him.

"Yu…" It really was him, Alma could feel his long hair, his fissure covered body, his voice in his ear, his hands around him and pulling him close, his hand against his neck tenderly, even in this grotesque shape he had.

"Let's run away from here together. To a place where there is no innocence, no church." Yu murmured into Alma's shoulder. "Together, this time."

How could he feel so many things at once, this overflowing happiness, sadness, these conflicting emotions all expressed in those flowing tears running down his face, rendering him speechless.

"Hold on tight, Alma."

* * *

It really had been a long journey, and their conclusion was near, in this sandy and desolate place of ruin.

"The gate is collapsing." Yu murmured. "Bean sprout…"

"Poor thing…" Alma gasped. "I understand, akuma, off-shoots of the Millennium Earl can feel it. That child is a Noah, and I…the Earl…"But he couldn't continue talking, because the dark matter was contorting his insides, and pain was everywhere in his body except his heart, because Yu was there, cradling him.

"Don't speak anymore." Yu was calm now, gentle.

"Just watch…don't use innocence." Alma choked out.

"I know."

"Until my soul is crushed by dark matter. I can't forgive the organisation even now, but I should sink into the mud. I killed so many…even lending my power to the Earl...!" Alma cried, _I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, let me suffer for it, this is what I deserve. I just wanted for me and Yu…_

"I know." Yu was careful, so tender –hah, were these really the same hands that had fought him so long ago?-as he pulled Alma close. "I know, so I'll see you off to the very end."

* * *

So, there they were, Yu leaning against a pillar, and Alma in his arms, his consciousness slowly trickling away into nothing. Yu's heartbeat was so calming, his melodic breathing so reassuring, his arms so comforting. This was the end, the sweet end Alma strived so hard for, because all along, this was all he wanted, just to die together with their secrets. But…there was something that Alma wanted Yu to know, even if all he struggled for was for nothing, he needed Yu to know.

_I love you, Yu._

With the last of feeling he had left in his body, he felt Yu smile, so painfully. "Yeah."

_Ah…did you work it out, Yu? I really didn't want you to know…_

_I don't think I'll ever know whether you died in blissful ignorance or not, Yu…._

* * *

Yes, they were cut off before they could reach the surface and enjoy the sun together. Yes, their journey had been long and hard and filled with sorrow. Yes, there was almost no chance they would ever meet again.

But maybe both of them had just a little hope, because neither of them had said goodbye.

But Alma-maybe even Yu- had always been a dreamer. In that final beat before oblivion, he dreamt that maybe, one day, against all odds, they would start growing again towards the sun, through the murky depths and into a beautiful world where the blue sky was endless. Together.

* * *

AN: Thanks for reading :)


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